Retail Therapy

…i must admit has made things easier for me. Last Sunday after hearing mass, we went grocery shopping, and filled our cart with stocks of food supplies to last us a couple of weeks. We bought a lot of healthy food and snacks, as well as fruits to munch on when attacked by late evening hunger pangs. I thoroughly enjoyed the errands, to be honest. Afterwards, we had dinner at Chili’s to relax and enjoy a delicious meal bordered with a lively, friendly atmosphere.

I guess what they say is true about our bodies releasing endorphins when we shop. When LV called to inform me that my reserved bag has arrived, I felt so excited that I eagerly dragged Ryan to Mall of the Emirates to pick it up. Oh, it was so lovely! The feel of the bag in my hands was indescribable. I was quite pleased because I’ve waited so long for the bag, and now it’s finally mine!

much coveted LV Epi Alma

I didn’t let the husband leave the store empty handed. In return of his sweet gesture last weekend (and for driving me to the mall at a drop of a hat), I got him this as a ‘no occasion gift’ for simply being a rock solid partner in life that I am enormously thankful for:

hubby's first LV: urban chic Damier Graphite 

I've dug deep into my wallet for these purchases but I honestly don’t mind. I vowed that my next major purchase will definitely be mid next year. For now, I’ll just savor my new loot and feel the happy hormones work their way through my body :D

Moving On

i cannot thank enough all the people who showed support, encouragement and love during our trying time. the messages we received immensely helped us go through this heart wrenching experience, and we pray that you all be blessed a hundredfold with your benevolence. it’s been only days after our loss, and now i feel i’m almost over it. i could only surmise that it’s because of the outpour of encouraging words and kindness we received. we felt we were not alone.

I thank God for giving me a busy week to start with. We heard Sunday mass with my cousin and her hubby, and they also spent two nights with us so at least we had some company. It helped veer my attention away from sadness. Work was not so busy since Ramadan is coming to a close but I chose to keep coming to work and refrained from taking a few days off.  I'd rather see other people around me than sulk alone in our apartment – that would drive me insane!

I'm helping myself forget. Keeping strong for me starts from the inside…willing your mind and body to focus on other things and trying to think of other pleasant idiosyncrasies in life. As I’ve said, I’ve cried my heart out already. There’s no sense dwelling on something I cannot do anything about anymore. I’ve prayed for serenity, and the Lord gave me that.

Last night I prepared one of my favorite dishes for our packed lunch today. I thought I should go back to cooking. Tonight, I’ll whip up another home cooked meal, and have a decent supper with hubby that’s served with extra love. Oh, and I’ve gone back to reading, too! I’m trying to finish one novel after the other, and it’s keeping my imagination alive once more.

I have a few projects in mind that I’d like me & the husband to do to keep us busy especially now that Eid Al Fitr 4-day holiday is just a few days away and no travel plan is set at the moment:

- declutter & redecorate
- organize old clothes, shoes & books to be sent to charity
- do a general cleaning of the apartment
- create hand-made cards, as inspired by the ones Weng sent me a few months back

I’ve also resolved to keep this blog updated as much as possible as writing proved to be a good form of therapy for me.

For now, I can see that I’m close to being back to my normal self. I hear myself laugh again when surrounded with friends, and I don’t find it that difficult to sleep anymore. When i’m with Ryan, all I could think of is heartfelt gratitude to the heavens for giving me a husband that envelopes me with so much love.

It's time to move on. It should begin with no one else but me.

My Very Own Cheer Bear

The husband has a knack for spoiling me – to the max!

To help keep my mind off our disappointment last weekend, he got me this:
It was one of the loveliest gifts I’ve ever received from hubby, albeit the reason. I wasn’t too keen about it at first obviously dwelling on the recent turn of events. But later on, I realized that my husband’s sweet gesture needs to be appreciated. He's done this apart from being my personal cheerleader the past few days.

The bag is not to be associated with my loss rather an aide memoire of Ryan’s steadfast love and support. God, what did I do to deserve such a wonderful partner in life?  

After The Rain

Growing up in a Catholic family, I’ve been molded as a person who runs to God whenever and wherever. I remember during my high school days at UST, I would pass by the church every single day just to talk to Him and let go of all my worries. That habit I carried over when I went to college. Instead of joining a sorority or college organization, I signed up for a religious organization (but a socio-political one at that). I can’t exactly carry a tune but I went on and even joined the choir for the Tuesday afternoon mass. It was a devotion I kept until I graduated.

In every challenge or difficulty I go through in life, I never forget to seek God’s help and guidance. I run to Him for everything even for mediocre stuff. I keep Him involved in my life as much as possible. Now with this trial that has scraped by elbows and scratched my heart, I still am holding on to Him – not even questioning the reasons why. I just know within me that there is a reason for everything.

Last night, I snuggled peacefully next to my loving husband. No more tears, no more frustrations…just hopes for our bundle of joy, which are great as ever. We trust that our little angel will come our way soon…in God’s perfect time.

The Hurdle

I've debated long and hard on whether I should talk about this subject or not. In the end, I’ve decided to just write my thoughts and feelings away since this is my online diary anyway.  Perhaps putting things into writing would help me go through with what I’m feeling right now.

You must’ve speculated that I may be pregnant because of my posts on being sleepy and lethargic the past couple of weeks. Yes, I WAS pregnant. Take note of the operative word: was.

I was already suspecting that I was pregnant the first day I missed my period. I waited for 4 days to do a home pregnancy test, and got a faint line on both test kits I used. After 2 days, I checked again because of the symptoms I was experiencing. I knew inside me that I was pregnant.  Again, faint lines.  Come Thursday, we decided to go and see a doctor for a blood test to find out once and for all. after 2 hours, it was confirmed that we were pregnant but we still needed to come back for monitoring of the hCG after 48 hours to be sure that it is going up due to its very early stage. Nonetheless, we were very happy…ecstatic is an understatement! To celebrate our joy, hubby and I even watched ‘Happy Feet’ on DVD!

We shared the result with a few of our closest friends here in Dubai. and because of the time difference, we opted to postpone breaking the happy news to our folks in Manila the next day. Sadly, our good news didn’t last long. The next day, around noon time, I started spotting, which eventually led to bleeding.  When I noticed clotting, I started to panic for fear that there may be a complication. When I saw my doctor, my worst fear was confirmed - my hCG dwindled below 5mIU/ml. In short, I miscarried.

Despite the fact that it’s in the very early stage of pregnancy, it was just as sad, disappointing and heartbreaking for us especially for me. The last 2 nights I’ve been sleepless, and I kept asking myself what went wrong over and over again. I tried to console myself with the fact that we could keep trying, and that it’s not impossible for us to have a baby. But it’s just difficult to keep myself from crying whenever I'm reminded of what had happened. We never told anyone from our respective families because we wanna save them the worry, and up until this time, they were oblivious of what came about over the last 3 days.

I just hope I’ll be able to recover from this heartbreak soon. But I've not lost my hopes, and I am not giving up. For now, all I need is my husband’s unwavering support and our friends’ prayers. It’s a trying time indeed but I'm not gonna let this dampen my spirit. This is nothing a good brush off the dirt on my knees can’t fix.

In all these, I thank God for giving me the most wonderful husband in the world! Ryan's love keeps me going and inspires me each day. Being held by him 'till I'm lulled to sleep is when I'm at peace the most.